I. Lawyers and Money
A famous lawyer found himself at heaven’s gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49 and far too young to be dead.
“That’s odd,” said St. Peter, “according to the hours you’ve billed you’re 119 years old.”
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”
II. Lawyers and Doctors
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
III. Lawyers and Engineers
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, “Ah, you’re an engineer; you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan laughed and replied, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God’s face clouded over and he exploded, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan shook his head, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God was as mad as he had ever been, “This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughed uproariously, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
Defense counsel was giving his summation in a case involving a client who had been charged with murdering his wife, even though her body had never been found. He tried to the best of his ability to sow the minds of the jurors with the seeds of reasonable doubt, dramatically proclaiming that nobody could demonstrate that the alleged victim was even dead.
Every eye in the courtroom gazed in the direction indicated by his outstretched arm as he pointed to the doors at the back of the courtroom and thundered, “Why, she might walk through those doors any second now!”
It was a masterful technique. When the jurors realized that they themselves had been expecting the supposedly dead woman to burst through the courtroom doors just then, how could they possibly maintain they were sure beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant had killed her?
The prosecutor was undaunted. Slowly rising from his seat behind the table, he too gestured towards the courtroom doors. But his voice was calm as he looked the jurors in the eye and began to speak: “Every head in this courtroom turned toward that door just now — every head except one, that of the defendant. He didn’t bother to look because he knows she’s not going to walk through that door. He killed her.”