condonement or forgiveness?

Last summer, I found out my wife of 19 years had been having an affair (with my supposed friend) for almost 2 years; it only stopped because I found out and confronted her.  I've tried my level best to forgive her & work things out but chances of that happening seem to be fleeting.  Is it too late for a divorce on grounds of adultery?  What's a time limit before a judge considers it to be condonement or forgiveness?

stressed

This is very much within the judge's discretion. The general rule is that if you have grounds for adultery but continue to live together as man and wife once you discover the adultery, then forgiveness of the adultery is assumed.

In any event, adultery divorces often end up taking more time than going through a non-fault divorce. They are also more expensive and create even more hard feelings. I would think twice before even considering an adultery divorce -especially if it might be flawed going in and could be denied.

lex

Thanks for the insight, that's kind of the answer I was afraid of.  I'm still numb over this whole situation & every answer just seems to lead to another question...

Any Idea how a judge would view the subject of "who moves out of the house first?"  I've heard that unless divorce paperwork has actually been filed, moving out could be easily considered as an act of abandonment.  In the end I guess it all boils down to the fair division of our mutual property but would moving out first effect long-term alimony decisions? 

stressed

[My life has been crazier than a work of fiction.....who'da believed?]

alimony is generally considered to be 'need' based, not 'guilt' or punishment based. thus, the two of you need to consider if one of you gave up a career to stay home with the kids, or to keep house, etc, rather than who did what to whom. Most of the time these days, alimony is only for a limited period of time so that the person can train for a career, not for forever.

Most of the time the person that files first has the advantage. If you want to move out, plan to file as you move out.

3kidsmom

Adultery...

It does not affect child custody.

It does not affect property settlement.

It may affect permament alimony. If she is 'at fault' she cannot claim alimony in the future.

You can easily get a divorce without proving the adultery.
 
So other than the possibility of permanent alimony, there is no need to prove the fault.

Nicholas James

Thanks Again for the advice.  Although I'm still quite angry over the whole adultery thing; I dont want to leave her destitute in a divorce, nor do I want to be forced into living like a college kid again.  I have a pretty decent job and she doesn't work (she's been a stay-home mom on & off for the past 20 years(since we had our kids)), we live in a modest house,  1 kid in college, 1 in High School, 2 cars, 2dogs, 2 cats, nothing spectacular, it's just an average existence but it's my whole life... I am scared that I'll end up darn near penniless (because I have the only income) while she gets to keep everything else. 

So, if I understand this correctly, If I file for reasons of adultery I can assume that given her work history as a stay-home mom, I would run the chance having to pay permanent alimony anyway?  If yes, other than being more civil and enduring a 365 day seperation period vs. finding blame and getting an immediate decree granted, what's the real difference in filing "adultery" vs. "regular" especially if the end result "Could" be the same.  If we file under "regular" circumstances, would it be advisable to just use 1 attorney?  Or is that ever advisable?  I've heard horror stories concerning both methods... $3-5K is an incredibly expensive bill for 1 attorney, so if we got seperate attorneys I assume that I'd have to pay her lawyer's fee too? and probably wind-up paying her alimony for the rest of my life anyway?

stressed

[My life has been crazier than a work of fiction.....who'da believed?]

First of all, permanent alimony is rare -- read my first response to you. Secondly, anything the two of you agree to the court will approve. most likely. If I were in your shoes, I would agree to 50/50 custody of the kids so that she can go to school or a career program. Pay child support with the [written] understanding that when she acquires employment, the issue will be revisited. Agree to limited (i.e. temporary ) alimony for x number of months while she goes to school or trains for a job. Then, file for an uncontested divorce. Take the class in your parish for divorcing parents, together if you can. You'll need to include the receipt in the paperwork. Do the papers together, have a notary notarize hers and your things at the same time (can you cooperate that much?), and submit it to the court as a complete package.

This is the easiest and cheapest way to do things, but it presupposes that she and you agree.

If the two of you do not agree, get an attorney and prepare for the idea that both you and she will lose money the kids cannot afford to lose.

3kidsmom

Other options:

1) Try marriage counseling.

2) Work on keeping it together until you launch the last kid.  A stable home is good for children. Try not to tear their entire world apart.

3) Work on getting the house in top shape and ready to sell.

4) Work on valuing the assets and dividing them up.

5) and get her working on reestablishing her career.

Nicholas James

... If we file under "regular" circumstances, would it be advisable to just use 1 attorney?  Or is that ever advisable?  I've heard horror stories concerning both methods...

Under the 'rules of professional conduct' that attorney only works for ONE of you.  So be the person to HIRE the attorney if you go the one attorney route.

It works when both parties are knowledgeable about their rights and what they want from the termination of the relationship.

Nicholas James

You don't have to go through an adultery divorce to protect against alimony (now properly called "spousal support").

You can always bring up adultery as a bar against the person if they claim they are free from fault in the breakup of the marriage and therefore entitled to spousal support.

lex